How to Stop Having Social Anxiety

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How to stop having social anxiety sounds like the name of an infomercial. I can picture it now… a man is trembling and shaking… cut to the “stop social anxiety now” cure. This revolutionary cure will only cost you $14.99. But wait, if you order now, you can get two social anxiety gizmos for the price of one. If only such a gizmo existed, social anxiety would be a thing of the past–and someone would be very rich.

No, when we talk about how to stop having social anxiety, we usually talk about the known treatments. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and/or medication are the usual go-to’s, though these are not cures, they are treatments. You might relapse, you might not fully recover, you might… drop out… or never start in the first place.

The truth is that we still don’t have a great way to deal with this problem, namely because it’s a social problem.

Whether you want to admit it or not, social anxiety will pervade every part of your life if you let it. That means that getting help is difficult. Making that phone call is difficult. Hopefully, if you are in bad shape, someone will make it for you.

What does that leave us with?

If you’re reading this, let me be clear that you can’t plug a hole in a sinking ship with a toothpick. If your anxiety is severe, then CBT and medication are likely necessary.

But if it’s moderate, or if you are looking to deal with some symptoms on your own, then trying to help yourself is not a bad idea.

Let’s start with your core beliefs about yourself. Usually in CBT, you work backwards from your anxious thoughts to figure out your core beliefs. While this is helpful, I think it is also helpful to fully grasp what a core belief is by thinking about how you view yourself.

We all go through life with certain perceptions of ourselves.

These tend to fall in certain domains, and might be known as personality traits such as those identified by psychologist Hans Eysenck.

I like to think that certain traits kind of stick with you.

For example, are you…

Passive or aggressive?

Friendly or unfriendly?

Intelligent or dumb?

Irresponsible or responsible?

Impulsive or inhibited?

Expressive or reserved?

Active or lazy?

Moody or happy?

Obsessive or laidback?

When I was doing some reading about imposter syndrome, I found it interesting that many who live with this problem (thinking that they don’t belong in their job/position despite many achievements) grew up with a sense that they were not intelligent. While I can identify with many of the aspects of this syndrome, this one hit me squarely in the wrong way. Nope, I never thought that, because nobody told me that. I thought I could achieve anything I set my mind to. That was not one of my core beliefs.

Which was a bit of a lightbulb moment for me. Because I realized there were other areas of my life in which that was not true. Shouldn’t I feel confident in all areas that I can be the best me? What was holding me back?

I did not even realize that I held core beliefs about not being “good” at certain things.

I was never good at sports. I never expected to be good at sports. That is one of my core beliefs.

Etc.

Translate that to social anxiety, what were you “never good at” as a child? What did you “never expect to be good at?”

Dig into those questions and you will get at those core beliefs.

But here’s where it gets tricky. They are so ingrained in us that we take them as true.

I never questioned whether I could ever catch a baseball. I just assumed it was impossible. Still to this day, it seems impossible to me.

What seems impossible to you? Identify those things, and you will see where you are being held back.

Now here’s the shift—imagine, just for a moment, that you could wipe that slate clean. You are a completely clean slate with no preconceived notions of who you are and what you are like. If you start from scratch, can’t you build anything? Have you been trying to build a house on a crumbling foundation? You can’t do it. The house will never be sound.

Wipe out those core beliefs.

Every day this week, tell yourself, “I am a clean slate.” Imagine a giant eraser rubbing off the words that haunt you or point out your weaknesses. This sounds ridiculous I know. Just try it.

Oh and by the way..

In 2017, a study was conducted to develop and validate the Core Beliefs Questionnaire (CBQ). This scale had three versions: Trait version, Contigent version (beliefs related to specific situations), and Other version (beliefs about how others view you). What was found was that scores on the three tests decreased from before treatment to after treatment for social anxiety disorder. This means that core beliefs are changed through treatment. If you can get at these beliefs and change them, you might see the same effects.

Until then, I’ll keep trying to catch that baseball.

Sources:

Wong QJJ, Gregory B, Gaston JE, Rapee RM, Wilson JK, Abbott MJ. Development and validation of the Core Beliefs Questionnaire in a sample of individuals with social anxiety disorder. J Affect Disord. 2017;207:121-127. doi:10.1016/j.jad.2016.09.020.

 

What most helps you to calm down when you have anxiety? Answer this question HERE and see what other people have to say.

Poetry Contest: The Top Five Nominees

Thank you to everyone who participated in the social anxiety poetry contest. I have chosen the top five entries that were submitted by December 31st, 2017. Now it is time to vote for your favorite! Read through the following five poems and then cast your vote in the polling box at the bottom of the page. Voting closes January 31st, 2018.

Update: The grand prize will be a Humble Bundle digital book package worth over $150 including a digital copy of my book “The Anxiety Workbook” as well as the books “Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in 7 Weeks” and “Real World Mindfulness for Beginners.”

Update: We have a winner! The grand prize winner of the poetry contest was Elisabeth Porter for her poem “Hold On,” with 67% of the vote. The runner up was J Michael Wright for the poem “Social Anxiety.” Thanks for participating everyone!

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Hold On

by Elisabeth Porter

I feel trapped in a box and tightly sealed, traveling on ship across the sea
Everything in me wants to say “Why ME??”
It’s a claustrophobic atmosphere with many hours of feeling sick
It’s a claustrophobic atmosphere with not much room to think
It’s a claustrophobic atmosphere where anxiety seems to be the only food to eat

But you know what?!? —
The box can be a blessing, the ship can be your guide, the box can be your blessing—do you know the reason why?
The box is a protection,
the ship leads a specific direction,
and the anxiety is being used to make you into a better you.

So though your feeling sick, and everything feels hopeless— hold on.

Social Anxiety

by J Michael Wright
He wanted to slam his fists into the air, wishing they would pound away at the veneer of this fake reality.

He wanted to scream at the passersby, yell that they were trapped in cells designed by digital walls and arbitrary, archaic Patriarchal rules.

You’re not welcome if you fit the following: fat, gay or trans, a person of color, female, pregnant, mentally ill, if you’re eccentric, and the list goes on.

You must be “This” white, male, straight, physically and mentally fit to ride this ride.

All others may exist until they no longer provide a use, and then it’s curtains on your goals, dreams, aspirations, bills, your ability to exist – until you find a new place – but the clock is always ticking and it’s only a matter of time before the bell tolls for thee, and the process starts over again.

Money and materials are the only ways to prove your worth, and people only look if you’re pretty based on their standards.

Screw the Golden rule; let’s adopt Platinum instead: “Treat others how they want to be treated, not how you want to be treated.”

But the cacophony of voices demanding that he conform overwhelms him, and his pleas begging people to wake up are ignored, so he crawls into a ball and wishes the World away.

It never goes away.

The harshness of this fake reality chips away at his steely constitution until there’s nothing left, and he cries from being berated by people on-line, people at work, his friends and family, drained by their desperation of being successful in this fake world.

So, he quits, and he starts the clock over and over again, but the years pass and fade, and “You’re not getting any younger, babe,” so he stresses about his future and what kind of partner can he be if he can’t properly provide.

He feels ugly, feels misunderstood, feels alone despite being surrounded by people, and all he can do is face the day, one at a time, and take things in stride because he’s not giving up, just giving in.

Home

by “Kandice”

Mind succumbed by familiar loneliness, dark, empty, distant
Hands dripping like a facet, cold, wet, tremors
Heart pounding to my eardrums, thump, thump, thump
Breath escaping my body faster than my mind, labored, unsheathed, arrhythmic
Swallowing, quickly, last night’s dinner before heads turn, pathetic, unnatural, anxiety

Another t-shirt stained brown with sweat, bleach, money, disposal
Laying next a pillow collecting tears for decades, obsession, restless, fear
Dated sweaters to hide drenched shirts daily, insecurity, emergency, desperate

Laptop in bed, lying awake with chocolates and television, safe, peaceful, home

 

My Coma Has Come

by K. A. Kumi

My coma has come.

Wide eyed, stiff necked, pulse flooded,
extremity trembled, mind muddled, sterility.

My coma has come.

Tongue spun, shame bathed, function failed,
cringe caressed, mired mood, aridity.

My coma is coming.

I’ll puke & piss & pill & pace &
pine & ponder & pray in preparation.

My coma is cold.

It sees me shivering in sun shunned of warmth universal,
yet sweating in sight of their every iced gaze.

My coma is king.

And I shall crucify myself for all witness,
ne’er shown whole, but hung of my own hand.

When my coma has come.

There’s Always Tomorrow

by John Doe

I could have been great
I still could be
I could have been free
I might still be
I could have found hope
Then I should see
That I’m no worse
Than those around me
That I too can grow
And be my best me
I’ll do that tomorrow
Today I anxiety

 

Anxiety Habits: You Become What You Do Every Day

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Anxiety habits. These might include anything from biting your fingernails to imagining the worst will happen. While everyone who lives with anxiety likely has an anxiety habit or two, most people don’t think twice about whether these habits are under their control. If anxiety is at the root of your nail biting, surely you’ve got to get rid of the anxiety somehow first, before you can stop biting your nails?

While one might think this would be the case, and it most likely is true that people who are for the most part anxiety-free don’t bite their nails (or have other habits reminiscent of anxiety), there is no reason why you can’t work backwards: start eliminating the bad habits and leave the anxiety ’til the end.

Lately I’ve been trying to follow the practices of the FlyLady.net. If you’re not familiar with this website, Marla Cilley, aka the “Flylady,” a nickname given to her when she joined a cleaning forum way back when, directs women (though I guess it could include men, her audience seems to be all women) across the United States and the world to develop good habits to keep an organized and clean home.

I’ve tried to follow the site before, subscribed to emails, etc., but always found it overwhelming. They would be off decluttering a room and I’d still be stuck with a sink full of dishes. What I realized though, was that there was a ton of motivation waiting for me on that site—I just had to put it to use.

I didn’t necessarily have to follow every new habit or direction, but if I started somewhere and did a little bit each day, then I would be headed in the right direction.

For the Flybabies, as she calls her followers, that starts with a clean and shiny sink every night that you wake up to every morning. The idea is that the sink is the central heart of the home, and when it is clean and shiny, that will eventually spread to the rest of the house. It’s supposed to make you smile in the morning when you see it.

So, I got to thinking, what would be the equivalent for social anxiety? What one habit could you practice every day that would be at the heart of managing anxiety, and would lead you to want to develop other good habits along the way? I thought about the long and hard, because there isn’t too much that is objective like with cleaning your house.

It’s not like you can say:

Okay, I’ve completed my [avoiding negative thoughts/being mindful/insert other helpful tip for coping with anxiety]. No! You’re technically supposed to do those things ALL THE TIME. So really, those are the results of your anxiety being reduced, rather than the cause of it. While of course doing these things will help to reduce your anxiety, they aren’t things you can check off a list.

They’re not like a shiny sink, making you smile in the morning.

So what then, could we do every day, at the heart of getting better, that would spread to other areas of our lives?

The shiny sink is what?—a representation of the opposite of disorderliness, the opposite of being messy, the opposite of being out of control.

So what would be the opposite of being socially anxious?

It has to be a daily habit, remember. We’re not talking about signing up for a pottery class to improve your social skills or joining a book club to be more comfortable speaking in front of others.

Just a daily habit, that over time takes less time to do, but that makes you feel good about yourself, and eventually becomes how you live your life.

Can you think of any things that people who are not socially anxious do on a daily basis?

When I wracked my brain I came up with some ideas:

-smile
-initiate conversations
-leave the house
-make phone calls
-don’t overthink
-don’t try to be perfect

Some of these are actions, some are just ways of being.

So, let’s pick one.

For simplicity, let’s give this a name so we can stop saying that we want to be the opposite of socially anxious. I like Chris MacLeod’s term “succeed socially,” but that’s not quite it.

What I want is for you to feel good about yourself. Because when you start to feel good about yourself, you will start to see yourself as a person who deserves to be free of anxiety.

To feel good about yourself, do one good deed that helps someone else every day.

We’ll give it a name at another time, but for now I want you to get started on this.

And if you’re wondering if this has any scientific backing, check out the study in the source list.

That’s it! Soon you’ll be moving from anxiety habits to a kindness habit. Let me know in the comments what types of kind acts you did.

Source:

Alden LE, Trew JL. If it makes you happy: engaging in kind acts increases positive affect in socially anxious individuals. Emotion. 2013;13(1):64-75.

The Traveling Book

Sometimes, it’s good just to have a light-hearted post. This one follows the adventures of my book, “7 Weeks to Reduce Anxiety” (Now renamed “The Anxiety Workbook) on its travels around the globe.

I have to say I’m a bit envious of the places that it has gone and is likely to still go. I must thank my relatives and people I’ve never even met for their generosity in snapping photos of the book in various locations.

If you have a copy of the book and would like to share a photo of it where you live, I would love to receive it. You can send that to submissions@aboutsocialanxiety.com.

South America

The first three photos below were taken by a friend of my aunt as they traveled around South America. The first two photos are at the Falkland Islands, and the third is at the Copacabana Hotel in Rio De Janeiro, Brazil.

Image may contain: sky, outdoor and nature

Image may contain: one or more people, people standing and outdoor

Niagara Falls, Ontario, Canada

This next photo was actually taken by me! I live just over an hour away from one of the natural wonders of the world, Niagara Falls. This photo is taken from the Canadian side looking out to the Horseshoe Falls. I was visiting the Falls with my parents and my children and it was actually a grey and rainy day—not really good for sightseeing. So we stopped the car briefly while I jumped out to take this picture. Fear of heights, anyone?

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Victoria, British Columbia, Canada

This photo was taken by my aunt in Victoria, BC. This was actually the first in the traveling book series of photos and inspired some of the others. It looks like a very calm and peaceful place to be.

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Playa Del Carmen, Mexico

This is the most recent photo! My aunt-in-law Martha took the book with her to Playa Del Carmen, Mexico. Have to say I am quite jealous of the warm weather they are having while we head into winter back here in Canada.

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Usefulness of Self-Help Books

Well, that’s it for now! If I receive more photos I will be sure to update this post. Remember, this is just in fun to show far a book can travel globally—and hopefully the impact it can have. Not everyone believes in self-help books, and some may even be afraid that using one may make them look “weak” or in the case of social anxiety, weird.

If self-help gets you down, think of it as self-improvement? The principles of cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), and mindfulness can help EVERYONE, regardless of whether you have social anxiety or not.

Learning how to recognize your thoughts, slow yourself down, be in the moment—this is what we all know we need to do. A book might not solve all your problems, but it may give you one, or two, or a few ideas on how to cope better. If so, then it’s done it’s job.

If you’d like a copy of my book, it is available on Amazon or in some bookstores. You could also visit your local library and ask whether they accept book suggestions. While the book is workbook-style and includes spaces to write your own thoughts, you could always use a notebook to record your answers.

Social Anxiety Poems: A Poetry Contest

writing photoAttention all poets! Do you write poetry as a way to deal with your feelings? Or maybe you never have, but think you’d like to try?

About Social Anxiety is hosting a social anxiety poetry contest.

  • Poems should be no longer than 12 lines.
  • The deadline for submissions is December 31st, 2017.
  • The guidelines are simple: write about your social anxiety or social anxiety in general. Keep it to a PG-13 audience.
  • The top five poems will be posted on this website, where About Social Anxiety readers will vote for a favorite.
  • Submissions should be sent to submissions@aboutsocialanxiety.com.
  • Prizes to be announced!

Dogs With Social Anxiety

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Dogs with social anxiety disorder? While this may sound unusual, dogs can have fear and anxiety just like humans, and this can be expressed in relation to new situations, new people, and being around other dogs.

According to a 2016 study of 3284 dog owners of 192 different breeds, published in the Journal of Veterinary Behavior, about 39% of dogs are sensitive to noise, 26% have general fears about unfamiliar people, other dogs, and new situations, and 17% have separation anxiety. These three issues can also be linked to behavioral problems in dogs such as aggressiveness. A dog who is afraid is more likely to become aggressive than a dog who has no fear.

Causes of Social Anxiety in Dogs

Because of the overlap between different kids of anxiety and fear in dogs, it’s likely that some part of your dog’s temperament is determined by genetic factors.

Over my lifetime I’ve had four canine companions—all of them miniature schnauzers. And, while the breed was the same, the dogs were as different as night and day.

The first and third dogs were both fearless. The second and fourth differed greatly from those two. The second was cautious in new situations, while our current dog is the most anxious one I’ve ever owned.

He is afraid of walking on solid surface floors and generally does not leave his bed. When we have large gatherings, he can’t be here, because I don’t trust him. His fear causes him to be unpredictable.

Just like people can be highly sensitive, so too can dogs. Dogs with social anxiety may be the victims of physiological and behavioral overarousal, meaning that they have deeper processing of sensory information. A 2017 study published in PLoS One developed a 32-item questionnaire to measure this sensitivity in dogs.

What they found was that demographic characteristics of the dogs had only small influence on the sensitivity of the dogs. Gender, age, age at adoption, and also characteristics of the owners, such as age, job, and communication style really had little impact.

However, experiences in a dog’s life may influence later behavior. In a 2015 questionnaire study of 3264 dog owners in Finland, published in PLoS ONE, early life experiences  were found to relate to later dog anxiety. In that study, they found that fearful dogs had fewer socialization experiences and lower quality of care by their mother as a puppy.

Signs of Dog Anxiety

If your dog becomes agitated in new situations with unfamiliar people or other dogs, look for the following signs of dog anxiety:

  • barking
  • hiding
  • licking his/her lips
  • oversalivating
  • pacing
  • panting
  • scanning the environment
  • shaking
  • whining

I know in the case of our dog, when I take him in the car and he isn’t sure what is about to happen, he pants, shakes, and whines.

What to Do If Your Dog Has Social Anxiety

  1. First, don’t respond with punishment, either verbal or physical. This is likely to just make the situation worse.
  2. Get your dog out for some daily exercise. In that Finnish study, they found that anxiety in the dogs was also linked to the amount of daily exercise. Dogs getting less exercise were more sensitive to noise and had more separation anxiety.
  3. Avoid anxiety-provoking situations if possible. For example, in the case of our dog, I put him in a kennel for the night when I know we will be having a large number of people to our house, such as at a holiday party. It’s better for our dog, and it’s better for our guests.
  4. Talk to your veterinarian about the possibility of anti-anxiety medication. This can sometimes be prescribed for dogs.
  5. Try to alter the association between the triggering event and the dog’s response. For example, in a video of the dog whisperer Cesar Milan helping a dog who was afraid of squeak toys, he gradually helped the dog to calm down by using lavender essential oil and a massage. He then paired the lavender scent with the squeak toy, so that the dog, who had learned to associate the smell with being relaxed, would now react that way to the toy as well. This is a simplified example, but you get the idea. Find a way to break the bad association (e.g., new situation = anxiety) and replace it with a new better association (i.e., new situation = fun OR treats OR relaxation).

Finally, don’t confine your dog to a crate unless that is something he or she is used to. This can just make the anxiety and panic worse. 

Sources:

Braem M, Asher L, Furrer S, Lechner I, Würbel H, Melotti L. Development of the “Highly Sensitive Dog” questionnaire to evaluate the personality dimension “Sensory Processing Sensitivity” in dogs. PLoS ONE. 2017;12(5):e0177616.

College of Veterinary Medicine, University of Illinois at Urbana Champaign. Context is Critical When Treating Anxiety in Dogs.

Tiira K, Lohi H. Early Life Experiences and Exercise Associate with Canine Anxieties. PLoS One. 2015;10(11).

Tiira K, Sulkama S, Lohi H. Prevalence, Comorbidity, and Behavioral Variation in Canine Anxiety. J Vet Beh: Clin App Res. 2016;16:36-44.

Disclosure:

This post may contain affiliate links for which I may receive a small commission if you make a purchase.

About Social Anxiety Gets Its Own Website!

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I’m excited to announce that this website, About Social Anxiety, is the new home for my blog! Let me back up a bit, for those who are not familiar with who I am and what I do.

About 10 years ago, I saw an online ad for writers for a site called About.com. At the time I was working for the local school board, it was summer time, and I had some extra time on my hands. I thought, “what the hey,” and sent in my application.

Given my background in mental health, I was interested in writing for one of their health sites. At the time, the two topics that were available were, as I recall, social anxiety disorder (SAD) and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). I had more knowledge of SAD than ADHD, so I chose to apply to that topic.

I heard back shortly that I was being considered for the position, but that I would need to “audition” for the part. This involved essentially creating a test site, complete with articles and blogs that would cover the basics.

I remember this process being an incredible amount of work. Had I not been on summer vacation, pre-children, and I think even husbandless for a week, chances are I would have quit. In fact, I remember talking to family members about how I felt like quitting. After all, if I wasn’t chosen, all that work was in vain.

Well, guess what? I did get chosen, and the rest is history. I remember the person who was my initial contact at About.com telling me that my blog was my strong point and that my articles needed to sound less like a textbook. Perhaps they should have just told me to write everything in the blog voice? I’m not sure.

Anyway, fast forward 10 years and a few changes of ownership…. actually maybe only one, but feels like more—when I started the company was owned by the New York Times and is now headed by IAC.
An aside—I wish I’d kept one of my cheques with the New York Times logo on it. I guess at the time I didn’t realize how cool that was!

Bottom line, things have changed a lot at the old About.com. We’ve branched out into what they call “vertical” sites, which means that each content area gets its own domain.

The sites are:
Verywell
Lifewire
Tripsavvy
The Spruce
The Balance
Thoughtco

So, I now write for Verywell. Many other things have changed. I used to write a weekly blog post for About.com, but we are no longer required/supposed to do that. That bloggy voice, which I was told was my strength, is not part of Verywell. Instead, on that site you will find informational articles written in the third person with a consistent tone across the vertical.

There’s nothing wrong with that! It’s just that… I liked the blog.

The blog was a chance to be timely, to keep up with current events related to social anxiety, report on new studies that came out, do fun things like have polls, and oh my gosh even comments from readers! Imagine that!

So… I guess what I’m trying to say in a long-winded way is that I missed my old About.com blog about social anxiety disorder.

This is what I am going to try and recreate here at About Social Anxiety.

And if it goes well, I hope this site will serve some other purposes as well.

An added reason for writing this blog is to have a home for my books on Amazon. I’ve written a self-help book “7 Weeks to Reduce Anxiety” as well as a short story, “Silent Night” about a socially anxious university student who must work through her anxiety to find her missing sister.

In addition, I’ve written a couple of short books in the vein of “What to Expect” regarding therapy. The one about CBT for social anxiety is complete and can be purchased from Leanpub.
If there’s anything you’d like me to write about or topics you’d like to see covered, just leave a comment below.

Also, I hope you’ll like me on Facebook, follow me on Twitter, and help me understand how to use Instagram and Pinterest! Honestly, I haven’t yet got the hang of those last two. From what I can tell, Instagram is great for artistic types and Pinterest is most useful for graphic-type illustrations. Or maybe I’ve totally misunderstood them!

Till next time!

How to Increase Your Self-Worth

african american photoWhat is self-worth?

According to Merriam-Webster, it is “a feeling that you are a good person who deserves to be treated with respect.”

Let’s break that down for a second.

You might ask yourself, “well who would not think they deserve to be treated with respect?”

And, what does it actually mean to deserve respect?

A lot of people who are socially anxious fail this litmus test.

The story usually goes like this:

You believe that everyone else in the world is more deserving of respect than you.

Say, for example, you accomplish something really great. Maybe you get a good grade in school or are hired for a new job.

At this point, is when you start to downplay anything about yourself that may have contributed to that outcome.

Oh, well it was easy to get good grades. Anyone could have done it.

Or, that job, they just hired me because they needed someone. It’s not that there was anything special about me that got me hired.

The pattern goes..

Achievement – seeing it as not reflective of you in any way – lowered self-worth.

Or..

Anything positive about yourself – seeing it as nothing special – lowered self-worth.

What would you think/say/do if someone else accomplished the same?

Would you attribute that good grade to hard work, determination, goal setting? Or the job offer to a stellar interview, great background, or strong work ethic?

More importantly, what are you getting out of denying your self-worth?

Because, be honest, there’s a reason why you are doing it. What are you afraid of? Are you afraid of people expecting more from you? Afraid that people will discover you are not really that great (like something along the lines of Imposter Syndrome)?

What is holding you back from accepting your own worth?

While it may not seem that relevant to social anxiety, it’s actually a key part of the puzzle. Somewhere along the way you lost the ability to view yourself and others from the same objective lens. Do you know when that point was? Can you pick it out from your past?

Perhaps there was some event where you let yourself down.

That speech in fourth grade where everyone laughed. The time you did not get the job and you did make a fool of yourself in the interview.

But do you have to keep telling yourself you are that person?

I don’t think so.

So that’s the first reason. Reason #1. Fear.

What’s the second reason you might be denying your own self-worth?

Because of a need to be your authentic self.

Reason #2. Needing to be your real self.

Somehow along the way your social anxiety became entwined with your view of yourself. The need to escape the spotlight became part of a whole strategy of down-playing yourself, achievements and all. There goes that respect along with your self-worth.

I’ve talked a lot about assertiveness. But I’ve never talked about its relationship to self-worth.

You see, when you ask for the respect of others, you are actually showing them respect too.

When you say “no” because you don’t have time to do something, you are allowing the other person the chance to find someone else to do the job.

When you tell someone how you are feeling (or how they’ve hurt you), you are giving them a roadmap of how to make you happy in the future.

In essence, the cycle looks something like this:

self-worth = respect for self = respect from others = assertiveness = respect for others.

So, working on your self-worth is a proposition that helps everyone.

Let’s go back to that fear + needing to be your real self.

How can we work past these blocks?

Fear = being afraid of what it means to command respect.

Needing to be your real self = well, it’s the same definition as above.

What we are really talking about here is that you don’t feel like you deserve that respect. That piece of you, the self-worth piece, isn’t there, and it feels weird when you try to insert it. It’s not you. It feels wrong.

So like with anything, we need to take those baby steps.

Step 1. Every morning, write down three good things about yourself. Continue to do this throughout the rest of the steps.

Step 2. Make a list of things that would make you feel better about yourself. This can be anything, from as small as making your bed every morning or buying a new outfit, to as big as getting a new job or buying a house.

Step 3. Order that list from smallest to biggest. Each day, do one little thing that moves you closer to achieving the smallest item on the list. Once you’ve achieved an item, cross it off and move on to the next.

Step 4. Write down three problems in your life. They might be about social anxiety or something more general. Now, pretend you are a good friend offering advice. Tell yourself what you think you should do to solve the problem. Notice how you speak differently to yourself as a friend.

Step 5. Write down every bad thing you say to yourself in your head. Keep it in a password-protected Word doc or a note on your phone. Get tired of making this list. Make it easier on yourself by not saying bad things to yourself so that you have less to write on the list.

Get out there. Your value isn’t determined by anyone else but you.